Advice for a New Mother

Pretend you just picked up and put your Scrabble tiles in the tray, but you haven't arranged them in any particular order yet. That's a pretty name. In some crazy future world where nobody cares about anything anymore.

She's not late, she's not coming at all.

Curiosity killed the cat. Specifically, curiosity about Meth. Also, she was 27 in cat years. Well, I'm off to Facebook - the Craigslist of free cats.

Soak the rich

I'll agree to confiscate all the money the millionaires and billionaires have, take away all the oil company tax breaks, and give all the corporate jets to ACORN and SEIU, if the Democrats will shut the fuck up already. Because, it is obvious to me now that the problem we have in America today is that people have too much money and aren't paying enough taxes.

Garlic Tea Party

I enjoy how crazy pissed the Democrats get at the Tea Party. It's the kind of hissing pissed that Vampires reserve for a garlic crucifix.

Bin Laden Tower

Most things that seem ironic just aren't. Having said that, I bet Christian nutjobs knock this Bin Ladin Tower down. You know, for Jesus. http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/08/02/bin-laden-group-to-build-tower/

Our Awful Cat

I should have named this cat "Vermin". Mostly because when I call her by the name the kids gave her, I think she likes it.

Tool

Kanye West has the highest inverse relationship of ego to talent ever measured. I Googled it.

Stat Whore

If two people ever click on a post here the site will explode. Literally AND figuratively. Suck on THAT as you ponder my virtual impotence.

Virtual only. In real life I'm all man, baby.

Cycle of Life

Had a 60-year-old man cash out his IRA today because he's a pussy.

Had a 27-year-old start one because he's not.

Guess who gets a Christmas card.

Babies

I don't have any. They all look like potatos. You're lying if you disagree. Potatos that smell like ass and tuition.

twitter

I've been out trying to learn Twitter. I have learned that twitter is full of dumbass just like everything else, but you get a chance to filter out the worst offenders. I could live my entire life at 140 characters or less, but would someday like to write something interesting to people without a debilitating prescription drug habit.

We shall see.

Dammit, Janet! We're back in bidness

I'm kicking this shit back off. Just so you know it will be dull, but I will give it the ole college try.

Facebook

On Facebook, when someone comments on 3 or more of your photos in one sitting, the system should add a "Yes I've been drinking" disclaimer.

Inspirational

I'm through being inspired by anybody doing anything that isn't actually, physically, helping someone out. That includes you, autism singer.

Of course you should move here.

Talked on the phone today with someone interested in moving to the area. He was calling from way out of state, and obviously had zero idea about the area, and wanted me to sell it to him. Fine, I'll bite, and I start selling. Then he interrupts me repeatedly with how jacked up he is, and how he's concerned that a small town or rural area would reject someone like him. I tried to talk him down, and convince him that we would never do something like that.

I eventually realized it was a bit like manning a suicide hotline, I was talking with someone who probably actually needed to end it all.

Which is why you should always call an "anti-suicide" hotline.

Steampunk Palin

Seriously, what is missing here?

I'll submit that nothing is missing here.

My Girlfriend Sarah Palin

She is so awesome I just want to stab random strangers in the spine. Is that so wrong?