Death Pools

I'm going to try to supplement my earnings this year by joining as many cash death pools as possible. Then I'm going to sit around the house and hold my breath until my targets are eliminated.

Last year I was responsible for a spate of Hollywood-types eating it.

Sean Penn best watch his ass. There are few things I hate more than an undeserved sense of self-worth.

John Edwards

Douchebag of some note. I can only assume that he's going to throw himself on Elizabeth's funeral pyre in keeping with the carny tradition.

Elizabeth Edwards

Currently deceased. No joy in that at all. But let's not kid ourselves. She was not classy, she was not a hero, she was, it seems, not all that bright.

She married the most ginormous douchenozzle in all of creation. And he pimped her terminal disease every chance he got. For votes. And she let him.

So fuck her. Fuck the embargo against speaking ill of the dead. If you're a fuckwit you're a fuckwit, dead or alive. She did what she could to impede democracy and harm the country. All in the name of advancing her shitbag husband up the ladder.

I'm a people person. Fuck you for asking.

Death and Taxes

So if the proposed death tax changes go through I will stop advising my elderly clients to die this calendar year.

Waffle Iron

My wife threw away the Waffle Iron because "It's too hard to clean". It's a Waffle Iron - of course it's hard to clean. The new one will be hard to clean, too, and it's way on the other side of town at Wal-Mart.

Aaaaallll Bidness

Not going to lie to you - I was hoping to draw the blonde. I'll still let you keep my underwear.

Nataleeeeee

Found a bone in my chicken salad. Sending it to NASA to see if it belongs to that Holloway girl. Fingers crossed!!

If I Were A Tree

If I were a tree, I would be the type of tree that falls on shitheads that ask silly questions.

The Inevitable Stroke

So when the smiting eventually comes along, I don't know which direction I want to go. Is it better to shit my pants endlessly? Drool? Require the old helmet/chinstrap combo? All three?

I hope that I get the helmet plus a modified tourettes. That'll give me a chance to say the most inappropriate things to the cute nurses.

Because the stroke IS coming. My behavior demands it.

I Don't Know

http://www.curtisgotslappedbyawhiteteacher.com/

It IS funny, though. You don't see a 40-page ransom note in outline form and attachments everyday.

Don't care if it's fake. It is awesome.

You Know That Feeling When You've Just Eaten a Hobbit Whole?

Mythical Tree in Actual Forest

This blog hasn't earned the right to call itself a blog yet. How's that for lower than whale shit?

Until we get our shit together, this shall be known as a blo.

I'll hang up and listen to your answer.

McRiiiiiiiiiiiiibbb!!

Sorry for the superfluous exclamation point.

Had a McRib for lunch today for the first time since 1985. Another 25 years ought to do it. How can something that should be awesome fall so far short of the target? It tastes like they herd homeless people in to design them, make them, lick them, then market them.

Pork hasn't been treated so wrong ever. I'm including "Deliverance" here.

Atomic Clock

Every time I see an atomic clock, I think it should be stopped at the exact time of an atomic blast that was dropped on people. Otherwise, I don't get it. Or maybe it just isn't an American clock.

Vitter

I don't give a shit if he chokes a hooker on pay-per-view. Mofo has my vote this time.

Fish

Maybe if she were prettier we would accept her right to the throne.

Trust Me on This

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7QDdLtIPX0&feature=player_embedded

SURPRISE!!

I am totally going to flip and vote the most liberal ticket I can reach next Tuesday. This might confound my mythical site visitors, but please let me 'splain:

1. The smug finally got to me. They were right, I am wrong.

2. I've always wanted to visit France, but hate the French. Bring the mountain to Mohamed, as it were.

Muslims Fear Backlash From Next Week's Mall Bombing

I know, it's old. But fuck them and their inability to take a joke.

Uncle Jimmy

Really, the only thing I miss about Jimmy Carter is that the first lady didn't look like an Orc. We got everything else.

Ring...Hello?.....Pause.....Pause....FU

You know what I'm really going to miss in about ten days? Robocalls.

You know what I'm not going to miss? The wailing and gnashing of teeth.

My Man Alvin Greene

Is now following me on Twitter. I am now somebody. I'm assuming this is a semi-elaborate prank, but with Alvin, there is no borderline between real and hoax. He just IS.

Either way, I'm honored.

November 2

I am nobody of any importance. So when I 'splain this to you all, please don't think that I attach any weight to this.

However - November 2 I plan on taking the day off, waxing my taint, and submerging myself in butterscotch pudding to ride out the awesomeness that is the insurrection to follow.

The balls want what the balls want, you know.

Just saying.

NPR

Does the honor of being fired by NPR offset the shame of working for them in the first place?

Stupid-ass crackers.

Hillary

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has joined the chorus of celebrities offering support to gay teenagers who are suffering from bullying, advising them to "hang in there and ask for help."

She also advised them to "hang on the coattails of a heterosexual and see where that takes you. You might be wildly surprised! I was!".

This Can Only Be a Good Sign, Right?

The long streamers of drool cannot be too far behind.

Islamophobia

That's just not the right word. I don't fear Muslims, because I have both testicles, many firearms, and superhuman upper-body strength.

I don't even hate all Muslims - just the crazy ones.

I guess that makes me normal.

When I Build a Skyscraper

And name it "The Sniper Building." I expect to get a lot of questions. If I'm paying attention I'll just answer "Foreshadowing." If I'm not, I'll just point out the 57th floor post office.

Troop Leader

I still maintain that my Cub Scout Troop Leader uniform, complete with dog leash (for my lost dog) and Polaroid camera, was the perfect Halloween costume. What's scarier than a predatory pedophile?

Boise

Nobody cares about this, but the tears of a clown are the sweetest of them all.

Dead Babies

Still funny. I don't give a shit what anybody says. Ask a pit bull.

Halloween

My costume this year: Slutty Caveman.

This is cheating, as that is also going to be my Christmas costume. Keep the Slutty Caveman in Christmas, I always say.

1999

My friend has an indestructible flip phone that looks like a prop from a Pauly Shore movie. It works great, but only makes or takes calls from 1999. Mostly from people who want to party like it's now.

Macaulay Culkin

There's so much Michael Jackson in my iPod, I've started calling it Macaulay Culkin.

Chilean Miners

Thank God the Chilean Miners are safe. Thank the same God we defied by digging down so far into the Earth, thereby putting ourselves at risk. The same God who chastened us by trapping the miners down in the mine. The same God we defied yet again with our infernal drilling and rescuing skills. Your turn, God.

Reporter Gets Screened Out by Democrat-Compliant Reporters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sce0TLA5UYE&feature=player_embedded#!

Look: I suck at this blogging thing. Will for years. So humor me and check out that link. Assuming it is, indeed, still a link.

Ohhhh down in Mexico...

So now the Mexicans are beheading people. I think they're doing this to try to make the Democrats look better in time for the mid-term elections.

Now more than ever we need minefields, random air strikes, and Doberman Pincers.

That is all.

Fantasy Football

I played football. I dabble in politics.

If I had to make a living at either, these things would happen in quick succession:

1. Divorce
2. No longer morbidly obese (starvation joke, son)
3. Clock tower
4. Sweet release
5. Some sort of penalty phase

I grow weary of being stupid at all of the things I enjoy. Soon I'll lose the ability to cook bacon, read, and scoff at the dim.

Just wanted to lay that out there.

10/10/10

Fucking idiot hippies. I bet the Mayans are all somewhere laughing their dead asses off.

Bing

One of those Bing 'Search Overload' commercials just came on and freaked my cat out with this 'you talkin' to me' hollering from the movie 'Taxi Driver'. Why the fuck would you want to do that, Bing? My cat doesn't do Internet searches, but I do the hell out of them. And frankly, Bing, it's like you just stood there and pissed in my hot tub, and dude - that's not cool.

DMV

I was wondering if the folks at the DMV realize how much getting finished there and leaving the building is like how I imagine leaving prison must feel. I didn't get a new suit, twenty bucks, or a bus ticket - but I did feel a little raped, and I was relieved to get the hell out of there.

Nixon

Kennedy gave a great speech about going the moon. Nixon put dudes on the moon. Nixon is he only President to put people on he moon. That's badass, and should get you on a coin. Fuck Carter. All he's done is outlive. Whoopti-Shit. So you're living a long time, like a woman. I get it, bitch, now shut up and bake me a pie.

Ombudsman

I think that the US Government should have an 'Unintended Consequences Ombusman'. And nearly nothing else.

Meatwad

Pretty sure she's now eating live squirrels wrapped in cabbage. God help us all.

The vent, it does NOTHING!

Resignation

If you ever catch yourself resigning from a job, a project, or a board, just keep on resigning from things. Recognize intertia, utilize momentum and capitalize on latent or potential energy. Synergy.

Palin

I'll admit it here: I like her a lot. Not in a creepy way. Not in an entirely creepy way. Purely professional.

But if she ran in a ticket with Chris Christie I would vote so hard the booth would moan.

That's an intercourse joke, son.

I don't get the constant jokes about her intelligence. She ran a big-ass state. Ran it well. She's fearless. She takes a position (focus) on everything that needs direction. She hates a fucking communist. I'm O.K. with all of that.

Does she really not stack up against Obama and Biden? This country is not designed to be run by professional politicians. This country is designed to be run by people with a backbone, and a reason to eventually return to private life.

Everybody else is a drag on the system.

Topeka!

This blog shit is going to pay off big someday. Just noticed we got a record seven (7) hits today.

My benchmark for a successful blog venture:

     1. Every continent eventually checks in (in the form of a questionably documented page view)

     2. I make enough sweet, sweet ad money (coming soon!) to purchase a reasonably-priced plate lunch at Moody's.

     3. George Will leaves a comment correcting my spelling.

     4. Some nationally-known socialist type reads this and is visibly displeased. Shit, I'll take a random Hollywood anti-American.

     5. Kirk gets off of his dead ass and posts something.

That is all. I'll hang up now and listen for your answer.

Damn You, Television!

I can smell Margaret Cho from here.

Join Us or We'll Murder You

The 10:10 campaign wants you to cut your carbon emissions by 10% on 10/10/10. Or else.

When I watched this the first time, I swear I thought that it was done by people who were against militant environmentalists stifling dissent. Turns out it is just more clumsy marketing for environmental totalitarianism. Even the Nazis didn't shoot movies about murdering people who disagreed with them, they just went and did it.

******Warning - DO NOT WATCH THIS if you don't want to see what's in an Environmentalist's snuff film wet dreams.****** (Gillian Anderson is in it at the end, so you'll probably watch it anyways)

Guatemala

It appears that in the 1940s, U.S. Government researchers infected patients in Guatemala with syphilis and gonorrhea without their consent.

But, come on. It was the 1940s, and everybody was doing it. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. And let's be realistic - Is the 'without their consent' bit necessary? Who is going to 'consent' to get an STD?

Also, what's a Guatemala?

Jack Kennedy

I asked my dad if he remembers what he was doing when President Kennedy was assassinated. Turns out his story is pretty shaky. I didn't have time to check it out, so I just passed it on to an FBI buddy.

But Cancer IS funny

Everybody has heard about breast cancer now? We're good? Cool! Let's stop with the pink shit on football uniforms. Fucking whiners.

Is it ironic that Farah Fawcett, the owner of the best boobs of the 70s, died of anal cancer? That may be Gods alltime greatest headfake.

Need a ruling on the irony, though. Alanis ruined my irony meter.

Paula Deen

Paula Deen is staring into my soul from the television - with those crazy painted porcelain doll eyes. I liked her much better when she was agoraphobic.

Kid demonstrates English language in 24 accents

From BoingBoing.net:

This video is terrific fun, not to mention loaded with cussing.

Me attempting to do 24 different accents from my own country and from other countries around the world. Hopefully I got most of them right but I may have made mistakes and I can do some better than others. However, I made this video for my friends because I promised them I would do an accent video. I mean no offence to anyone and please don't be upset if I have not included your specific accent or got it wrong.

Hibbity Jibbity

I won't be truly happy until Obama is serving me tea at Red Lobster.

Question

Don't you hate it when someone responds to your question with another question? If you ask me a question about that question, you're immediately subject to the COCKPUNCH terms of this blog - and Thank You for your sudden interest in the COCKPUNCH terms of this blog. (listed in onerous detail in the legal micetype you just quickly clicked past/agreed to)

Recursion

If I had been present at Jesus' birth, I would have given him a tiny toy manger scene. What the Bible is missing is that kind of recursion.

Buttload

I think it's only appropriate to begin my participation on this blog with my strident objection to the term "buttload", since I prefer "boatload".

If I have a boatload of cash, it is a pile of cash the size of a fully loaded boat.

If I have a buttload of cash, I have a wad of cash roughly the size of my fist. Also, it's been in a butt.

My Other Football Problem

Is it possible I'm gay for football?

Not interested in humping a guy, mind you, just get a raging straighty from September through early February.

Consult your doctor, indeed.

Also: should Straighty be capitalized?

I'll hang up and listen to your answer.

Segway

I have been saying for years that Segways don't look totally cliff-proof.

Sweet vindication.

Twitter

Just started. Fail to see the point, but going to work it for a while. Practicing by limiting conversations to 140 characters.

Big church day

Four hours of church today. I feel like those black kids I felt sorry for when I was in school.

Irregardless

Going to use the word "irregardless" a lot next week. Everybody that fails to correct me will be placed on a list.

The week after: Cromulent.

Joe Biden and a Quota Hire

Weekend. Week End. Weakened. Weak...

Long week. Little to show for it. Weekend up in the air. Much to do. Prediction: little to show for that either. At least there's football.
Sweet nourishing football.
Three/four weeks in, though, and I am no longer satisfied with whatever directional colleges are playing each other.
Time to make a list of the things to do this weekend. Secure in the understanding that all productivity will cease during the Bama game tomorrow.
Aim high.

Sniff Train

Fun With Animals

I've never seen a bear with a sinus infection, but I expect that it is disgusting.

That is all.

It is alive

First!

Ha. More to follow, I presume.